Dear Jana,
My wife and I were having a few drinks the other night and the conversation turned to the weirdest things people are into.
I jokingly brought up some over-the-top kinks, expecting her to roll her eyes. But instead, she went quiet and said, ‘Well, I’ve actually kind of wanted to try pegging.’
Then, seeing the look on my face, she laughed it off and changed the subject. The problem is, now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Was that a test to see how I’d react? Is this something she wants to try? And more importantly, am I supposed to just pretend this never happened, or bring it up again?
It’s not something I’ve ever been keen to try. I’m a straight man and have no burning desire to be f***ed.
Honestly, it’s kind of made me look at her differently.
Anonymous.
Each week, Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking answers readers’ questions about their love lives
Dear Anonymous,
Can I just tell you, over the last six to 12 months, I have heard so many stories about pegging from my followers. In the name of ‘research’ I decided to see what it looks like. It wasn’t exactly my idea of sexy, but it was indeed fascinating.
One thing I took away from this ‘research’ was that in every video the man looked like he was having a jolly good time, and the woman, while not receiving much in terms of stimulation, did appear to enjoy being in charge. Quite the gender reversal, if you will.
But for the record, just because you let your wife peg you, certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t straight. I mean, it’s your wife doing it to you, so you’re having a very ‘straight’ time, just in a, er, slightly different way.
If you’re quietly judging her a little for her kink – or just a little curiosity – then let me reassure you I’ve heard of many upstanding individuals who enjoy being pegged (including royalty!) so it’s actually not that outside the box.
Here’s the thing about fantasies: just because she shared it with you doesn’t mean you have to do it. However, I also wouldn’t recommend burying your head in the sand and pretending she didn’t say anything either.
This might sound a little bonkers, but why don’t you suggest watching a porno involving pegging? Choose the video wisely, mind. Go for a hot couple who look like they’re having a fun, and avoid anything weird where the bloke is oinking like a pig.
As you watch, ask you wife why it turns her on. Rather than judging her, get curious instead. What she has to say may surprise you. You certainly don’t have to say yes but perhaps you could find a compromise – like letting her take the lead once in a while?
A man tells Jana he’s put off by his wife’s sudden interest in pegging – but could they find a compromise? (Stock image posed by models)
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Dear Jana,
A few months ago, my wife’s porn habit was bothering me to the point I asked her to stop watching it.
She was getting really secretive about it and it was impacting our sex life (she wanted to do things I wasn’t comfortable with, like choking, and was taking ages to climax). I figured we could both do with a detox, and she agreed.
As a compromise, she suggested reading erotic books. I thought that was fine – I mean, how smutty can they be? Certainly not worse than you’d find on Pornhub.
Well, I was wrong. Every night before bed she’s reading this stuff. I flicked through one lying on her bedside table to see what all the hype was about, and they are pure filth. Group sex, cheating, men with gigantic you-know-whats. And the worst part is, she reads these books religiously and barely initiates sex with me anymore.
When I brought it up, she rolled her eyes and said, ‘It’s just fiction, not even porn.’ But it is turning her on, just not with me.
I’m tempted to ban the books, but after my porn ban I worry she’ll just think I’m jealous and controlling.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Excuse me. Did we just travel back in time to the 1950s when it was totally normal (and not at all controlling and messed up) for a man to enforce ‘bans’ on their wives?
Do you know how many men would kill for a wife with a libido like hers? The issue here isn’t the books – or the porn, for that matter – but the fact her fantasies are lighting her fire, but you’re not the one she’s turning to.
That’s where the alarm bells should be ringing, my friend.
Now, before you start burning books (which, history has shown, is never a good idea), let’s take a breath. You said her porn habit was making you uncomfortable, so you asked her to stop. Fair enough. But then she pivoted to books, and now that’s an issue too? Buddy, if you keep banning every outlet that turns her on, you’re not going to have a horny wife, you’re going to have a resentful one.
Instead of playing bedroom police, why not lean in and see what’s really going on?
A husband tells Jana he’s worried about his wife’s enthusiasm for reading erotic books, which began after they both agreed to stop watching porn (stock image posed by models)
I would suggest taking a less judgmental flick through those smutty books and see what’s getting her hot under the collar. For all you know, the remedy could be as simple as growing a beard (or is that just my fantasy?)
Maybe she’s craving something a little more adventurous than the standard routine you seem comfortable with. Maybe she’s just in a phase where the fantasy is more exciting than the reality (trust me, plenty of us fantasise about things we’d never actually do). Either way, the solution isn’t banning anything; it’s understanding.
I’ll be honest here, the way you defensively worded your question already has me rolling up my sleeves. So before you bring this up with her, rethink your approach. (The only thing you need to ‘ban’ is the word ‘ban’ from your vocabulary).
Who knows? If you approach this with curiosity rather than control, you might just find a way to bring some of that smut-inspired spice into your own love life.
Now, go and grow that beard – I mean… communicate.
Dear Jana,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and we don’t use condoms because he always complains they ‘ruin the feeling’.
He swears he just hates them, and every time I’ve tried to bring it up, he brushes me off and tells me to just go on the pill – which I don’t want to do because it messes with my hormones.
But the other day, I was looking for a charging cable in his car’s glove compartment and found a brand-new, unopened box of condoms. Not a single one was missing. My heart dropped.
When I confronted him, he turned bright red, stammered for a second, then said they were ‘old’, even though the expiration date was years away. Then he tried to laugh it off and changed the subject.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. If he hates condoms so much, why does he have a fresh supply hidden away? I want to believe there’s some logical explanation, but my gut is screaming at me that something isn’t right. Is this as bad as I think it is?
Nic.
Oh Nic,
I don’t have a good feeling about this. The fact that they’re in his car – not his sock drawer, not his bedside table, but his car(!) sets off alarm bells.
Cars are prime real estate for a cheeky rendezvous. (A friend once found a used condom in the backseat of their family car… it ended their parents’ marriage.)
Also, and I hate to say this… it screams ‘I go to brothels’.
Now, before we go full detective mode, let’s consider the (slim) chance there is an innocent explanation. Maybe a mate left them there. Maybe he grabbed them ages ago and forgot. Maybe his mum put them in there for encouragement (not all parents want to be grandparents!) or he’s planning some grand romantic gesture where he suddenly decides to love condoms just for you (okay, that one’s a stretch).
But there’s no denying that it is his reaction to you confronting him that makes this suspicious. The stammering, the blushing, the awkward laughter. That’s not the confident energy of a man with nothing to hide.
If you want to get to the bottom of this, try a trick body-language experts swear by: the ‘reverse recall’ technique. Liars tend to rehearse their stories in order, so if you ask them to explain things backwards – like where they got the condoms, when they put them in the car, and why they look new despite being ‘old’ – they are more likely to stumble.
Another sneaky tactic? Silence. Ask a direct question, then just wait. Liars hate silence and will often keep talking, adding unnecessary details that don’t add up.
And if you really want to test him, throw in an unexpected question, like, ‘When did you get them, again?’ If he’s lying, he’ll probably hesitate. If he’s telling the truth, he’ll answer without a second thought.
At the end of the day, trust your gut. You already know something isn’t right, or you wouldn’t be writing to me.
And one final rant – why are women still arm-wrestling blokes into wearing a small piece of very thin rubber on their peckers that prevent pregnancies and STDs? You know what’s more uncomfortable than a few seconds of awkward fumbling as he puts it on? A very awkward conversation with the doctor later on.
If I were you, I wouldn’t just be questioning his loyalty; I’d be questioning whether he even deserves the privilege of being in your bed at all.
Anonymous
Dear Jana,
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